How to Con an Instructor

Enter college, and you'll soon be reminded of an old saying: “The pen is mightier than the sword.” That person behind the instructor's desk holds your future in his or her ink-stained hands. So your first important assignment in college has nothing to do with required readings, examinations, or even the hazards of registration. It is, instead, how to con an instructor.

The first step in conning an instructor is to use body language. You may be able to convince your instructor that you are special without even saying a word. When you enter the classroom, be sure to sit in the front row. That way, the instructor can't possibly miss you. Then, as the instructor lectures, take notes frantically. The instructor will be flattered that you think so much of his or her words that you want to write them all down. A felt-tip pen is superior to a pen or pencil; it will help you write faster and prevent aching wrists. While you are writing, be sure to smile at the instructor's jokes and nod violently in agreement with every major point. Most important, as class continues, sit with your body pitched forward and your eyes wide open, fixed firmly, as if hypnotized, on your instructor's face. Make your whole body suggest that you are watching a star. Once you have mastered body language, it is time to move on to the second phase of conning the instructor: class participation.

Everyone knows that the student who is most eager to learn is the one who responds to the questions that are asked and even comes up with a few more. Therefore, be sure to be responsive. Questions such as, “How does this affect the future of the United States?” or “Don’t you think that someday this will all be done by computer?” can be used in any class without prior knowledge of the subject matter. Many students, especially in large classes, get lost in the crowd and never do anything to make themselves stand out. Another good participation technique is to wait until the instructor has said something that sounds profound and then ask him or her to repeat it slowly so you can get it down word for word in your notes. No instructor can resist this kind of flattery.

However, the most advanced form of conning an instructor happens after class. Don’t be like the others who slap their notebooks closed, snatch up their books, and rush out the door before the echoes of the final bell have died away. Did you ever notice how students begin to get restless about five minutes before class ends, even if there’s no clock on the wall? Instead, be reluctant to leave. Approach the instructor’s desk hesitantly, almost reverently. Say that you want to find out more about the topic. Is there any extra reading you can do? Even better, ask if the instructor has written anything on the topic—and whether you could borrow it to read (or, even better, where you can purchase a copy). Finally, compliment your instructor by saying that this is the most interesting course you’ve ever taken. Nothing beats the personal approach for making an instructor think you care.

Body language, questions, after-class discussions—these are the secrets of conning an instructor that every college student should know. These kinds of things go on in high school, too, and they’re just as effective on that level. Once you master these methods, you won’t have to worry about a thing—until the final exam.